5 May 2012

Gibberish of an "old" woman

  Every time I open my computer… And I see my desktop full of shortcuts of games… I think to myself: Why am I playing all this? The answer is: To escape reality!
  Online or offline… they all make me forget about failed exams, problems with social relationships or even those with my family. When I play, I concentrate only to grow more, to extend my influence, make some friends, and just plainly have fun. Now a day it’s all about the computer. When was the last time I noticed the birds chirping at my window, or the light breeze of summer. I have long forgotten the feeling of innocence. Even if I’m only 21 years old, I feel like I’ve lived a long life. My early years were troublesome not because of me but because of my father, who for a while lost to the alcohol and regrets. This was after my mother died.  I often saw him dead drunk, with his head on the table, snoring away as he lost touch with reality, he succumbed to a beautiful dream. There he wasn’t left all alone… with three young girls to take care of. Although I was young, I already knew the gravity of the problem my father was facing. Maybe if it wasn’t for his mother, my grandmother, we, the three sisters wouldn’t be together now. But this all passed we grew up, but then, life showed us another problem…love. What is love, and how do you find it? Is it just something you feel deep inside ourselves, or just an illusion we like to create in order to feel secured?  I personally think the so called love happens when we feel at peace with another person…which can be from different reasons. Financially or emotionally, as long as we are accepted, and we feel protected, we classify that as love. Maybe this comes from the need of companionship, and the fright of dying alone. Which again I believe is weird because one way or the other, we are one person and we are born alone, and die alone, no matter who is beside us.  Now how can we find the rumored soul mate?  The most honest answer I can come up with right now is that there isn’t a soul mate. It’s all an illusion which we create in order for us to feel better about our life. Even if there is a sexual attraction, the emotional one exists only for a short time. Sexual attraction can stay for a longer time, but even that, sooner or later end up as nothing but mere memories. So real love is just what people have created in order to please themselves.
  There are some people who realize that, and in all my bad luck, I am one of them.  And when I realized this, I knew that the fairy-tales I listened to when I was little were just part of the ways to make us fall under this impression of love and care among humans. But there isn’t any, it’s all just customs, like the wedding, and our need to rely on somebody. Maybe that isn’t even the worst part. That which now recognizes some ideas of love as false, but that which teaches us to believe in this idea, only for our own selfish reasons, that can later lead to disappointment and sadness.  So in the end, thinking about all this, it’s nothing that can make me feel better about life. We live for ourselves, and everything we do is conditioned by our own good. We are just some self-absorbed creatures, who are a little more evolved than animals. I believe animals have more right to be happy then humans do. Because they live by their instincts, and if they hurt something, it’s not intentionally, unlike humans, who can hurt other creatures, just for their own self-satisfaction, without even thinking twice about it.
  Thinking about all this makes me want to escape, to a fantasy world, where I can be a stronger person, a wiser person, where people aren’t judged from how they look, and where I can act freely, without worrying about the consequences.  But even if I try to escape in my own imaginary world, or online gaming, it’s all in vain. Even there, people influence the way society is thinking, leading to a copy of real life society, from which I wanted to escape in the first place.  So human’s ideas and ideals transfer even to games and imagination, leaving us with no way out of this labyrinth of thoughts. This circle is repetitive and it will be like that even for the years to come, when humans, lost in their ignorance, will eventually destroy each other and themselves, without even realizing it, and the whole human kind will reset itself, if not vanish, returning maybe even then, at a innocent state of things, but then, there will be no more proof of these thoughts passing through my mind, and maybe there will be no one to even be able to read this, as my conciseness, flies at long last, freely through the universe.
  And there will be no meaning in ever thinking about it. Then, I will stop searching for ways to evade life.

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